


The Incommensurable Equation

by JaycieVictory



Series: Shenny Cooper for the Win [10]
Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Romance, Science, Sheldon!think, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaycieVictory/pseuds/JaycieVictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of self-contained drabbles and ficlets which celebrate all things Shenny and seek to bring together our favourite Whack-a-Doodle and Warrior Princess while (hopefully) still keeping them in character.</p>
<p>Part 10: A glimpse into a beautiful mind and the profound effect a certain blonde has had on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Incommensurable Equation

_***Engage primary equation*** _

_The scarcity of xanthic elements is problematic._

_**Au**  is the obvious, populist choice, but the analogy is faulty; the original colour is both paler and brighter. Moreover, the comparison of hair with gold is hackneyed._

_The analogy is both trite and fallacious; it must be issued with a strike for each offence._

_That's two strikes. One more, and you're banished._

_**Sidebar:** Can trains of thought be banished? Do they have the capacity to take the class and have their banishment revoked?_   
_**Sidebar ii:** Why do thoughts travel by train?_   
_**Sidebar ii redux:** Never mind - why would they wish to travel any other way?_

_***Re-engage primary equation*** _

_**S**  is proffered as an alternative to  **Au** , for a more aesthetically pleasing and anatomically correct correlation. But the olfactory implication is unpleasant and inaccurate. Coconut aberration aside (and thankfully retracted), its scent is usually green apple and pleasing._

_Amend: let the sulphur retain its elemental form to ensure it is odourless. An imperfect resolution but allows the formula to progress._

_(Serendipitous offshoot: the alternative moniker for sulphur is brimstone. An appropriate simile for the devil-woman when she deliberately speaks with her mouth full.)_

_No single element is analogous to the iris. But expose **Cu**  to  **O2**  to achieve the hazel flecks in the green and create a linguistically pleasing parallel to oxidised small change:_

See a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck.

_Not that she had always brought good fortune._

_**Exhibit A:** ruining laundry night._   
_**Exhibit B:**  causing him to miss Stan Lee at the comic book store._   
_**Exhi** –_

_Too many illustrations. The formula is becoming top-heavy._

_Restore equilibrium._

_**Exhibit i:**  taking care of him when he was sick._   
_**Exhibit ii:**  recovering his Klingon bat'leth._   
_**Exhibit iii**  procuring Leonard Nimoy's signatur–_

_Too large to compute. The formula is becoming unstable._

_***Redress*** _

_Fortune by its very nature is random; it cannot be positive or negative. Therefore the science behind the penny proverb is pure hokum._

_***Re-engage*** _

_Epidermis is firm, watertight, functional. Her skin is smooth, soft, toned._

_Qualitatively and quantitatively perfect._

_Correction: incorrect use of Mandarin character, denoting soup in place of courage. Recall that_ tattoos make the baby Jesus cry!

_***Pause*** _

_Delete the last. (Residual maternal echoes.)_

_***Continue*** _

_The skin is perfect despite its imperfection._

_Invalid input - statement is oxymoronic._

_Overruled._

_The phenomenon of synergy is well documented:_ multiple elements in a system may produce an effect different from or greater than the sum of their individual parts.

_The sum of her parts is pleasing. And perfectly proportioned._

_The hero always peeks. But_ homo novus _should not._

_The occasional deferral to baser instinct is vexing, but not conclusive._

_Oxytocin levels suggest primary physical compatibility. But let us consider the cerebral._

_The intellect is inferior. Vastly so. (Which renders the number of arguments lost all the more inexplicable and infuriating.)_

_Comprehension of physics is rudimentary at best. Comparisons to blonde monkeys are not inapposite._

_**Sidebar** : Who doesn't love monkeys?_   
_**Sidebar ii** : Amy Farrah-Fowler does. Both kinds._

_***Redress*** _

_Amy's mind is brilliant. Closer to parity. Suggests primary cerebral compatibility._

_**Rebuttal** : Since meeting Amy, scientific achievement has plateaued; academic reputation has plummeted; alcoholic consumption has increased._   
_**Rebuttal ii** : Eidetic recall points to one constant throughout all breakthroughs of the last seven years. One element that was present each time, moments before, in body or train of thought._

_Hypothesis: her presence is a catalyst._

_Proven: her words are a stimulus._

_Unquantified: the reasons why._

_Shift focus._

_Widen parameters._

_Implement image search._

_***Pause*** _

_Potential match found: familial relationship._

"You and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little."  
"Remember when I said it was on? Well, now it's  _Junior Rodeo_  on!"

_Threats to genitalia. Arms pinned to the floor. Spiralling prank wars._

_The ability to provoke fury like no other._

_Connection is fraternal?_

_***Proffered as solution*** _

_Incomplete._

_Missy never gave kisses during wrestling moves. And the few kisses given never impacted the sympathetic nervous system like that one had._

_Secondary image identified; multiple iterations._

_Juxtapose._

_Missy never sung Soft Kitty either. Never calmed the urge to flee. Never helped make sense of the world._

_Substitute maternal connection in place of fraternal?_

_Trusted confidante. Warming comfort. Incessant nagging._

_Valid but still incomplete._

_Ultimately, a poor proposition. The characteristics fit but must be superimposed with the effects of a kissed nose and instances of physical proximity._

_Not to mention previous categorisation of physical attributes._

_**Sidebar:** Amy Farrah-Fowler fits second familial relationship. Without aforementioned conflict._

_***Pause*** _

_***Redress*** _

_(Quickly)_

_***Review*** _

_Evidence to suggest primary physical compatibility._

_Evidence to suggest strong cerebral connection._

_Evidence to suggest undue influence._

_***Proffered solution*** _

Perfect mate

_***Stop*** _

_**Rebuttal:** prior attachment to best friend._   
_**Rebuttal ii:** bond has now progressed to betrothal._   
_**Rebuttal iii:** prior attachment to Amy Farrah-Fowler._   
_**Rebuttal iii redux:** attachment is substantiated by the Relationship Agreement._

_Apply_ a posteriori _knowledge:_

_Friendship axiom:_ allegiance must go to male comrades over women who sell their bodies for money.

_Maternal echo:_ a gentleman always keeps his word to a lady.

_Paternal wisdom:_ sow the wind, and reap the shit storm.

_**Output:** the attachment is illogical. Unquantifiable. Unjustifiable._   
_**Output ii:**  the need is irrefutable. The connection, undeniable._

_***Conclusion*** _

_The equation is insoluble_

_***sigh*** _

_The data must be invalid._

_***Re-engage primary equation*** _

_Let us substitute **Cl**  for  **S**..._

* * *

If he categorised her elements, if he quantified their bond, if he made the pieces fit...

Maybe he would finally solve The Penny Equation.

And figure out why she was so important.


End file.
